I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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