note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
