Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
