sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
