I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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