I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
