If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
