every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so let's talk penis.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
