if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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