Who wears a wallet chain?!
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
