@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
