I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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