Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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