So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
