my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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