He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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