you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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