he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
