so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
