is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
