dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Ambien. No doubt about it.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
