Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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