you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize