Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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