my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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