Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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