I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
