my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I need to sanitize my soul.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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