I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
