ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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