Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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