I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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