Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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