I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
only you would photoshop your dick
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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