I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
