Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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