the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
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