I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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