Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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