No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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