i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize