I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
