can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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