I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
