Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
