Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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