walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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