I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize