you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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