Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
