it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
