he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
