My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
