Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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