Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
