Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
