Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
