I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
