my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
