If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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